Tone your tummy

One decision we made more than 3 years ago altered the course of my career, family life, social life and the way i do things. Since then, i (together with my husband and 3 children) have been dancing with grace.

In Christian terms, GRACE is defined as the infinite love, mercy, favor and goodwill shown by God to humankind. Cherryl Richardson in her book “The Unmistakable Touch of Grace” defined it as a spiritual intelligence, a form of energy that comes from  the Divine Sources and is available to each and everyone of us at any moment.

I believe that i’ve been living with grace since birth but my greater dependence on God’s grace came about after we made that life-changing decision. Both my husband and me left a secured job, an active service in a christian community and 3 teen-age daughters and embarked on a journey to America with an uncertain outcome. The moment we decided to stay here despite so many “as-ifs” was a choice that changed our lives forever. That decision was actually driven by our desire to live our lives to the fullest rather than be limited on what we have. We had in our hearts, desires to live a different kind of live – more adventurous, more risky and more dependent on God’s grace. True enough, it really is. It led me to a realization that surrendering my life to the Lord unlocks the door to grace.

Everything that my family are enjoying now are all unmistakable touch of grace such as our good health, protection from all harm and danger, increase of knowledge and wisdom, the happiness of being able to pursue our dreams and to be of help to other people. All of these experiences of grace assured me that even if the future is uncertain, all will be well and i’m not alone. Living a grace-filled life heighten my sensitivity and makes me more conscious of my surrounding and takes pleasures in small things.

Today, i’m convinced that everything happen for a reason  and that opportunities will always come that will bring me to a higher level of wisdom and understanding. I knew that if i surrender my life to God and allowed grace to consume me, the next stage of my life would eventually find me. Everything that happens and will happen becomes part of my spiritual journey.

I was saddened by the news that my dear friend Anne Pajo died last week at the age of 44.  After i received the news, her face and her smile came flashing in my mind.

I met her in 1996 when we were assigned in the same household group of Couples for Christ (CFC). They  served as Youth for Christ  (YFC) Coordinator in the cluster where my husband leads. When we were assigned as the Singles for Christ Coordinator in the province, they also became the provincial YFC coordinator so we again  met in the same household. When they became Social Ministry Coordinator, my husband was assigned as the Oikos Coordinator while i also coordinated the Teodora Ministry for women. That time, they became our pastor. We also served as household heads for  the handmaids and we met many times as leaders in this women group.So we were together for at most 9  years doing various services for the Lord and we became really close friends.

We were together in our struggle to strengthen our spiritual lives, to have authentic christian home and family at the same time pastoring other couples, handmaids, youth and singles to do the same. She only has one son, Tony Dan which is now in 3rd year high school.

She was there when grace came knocking at our door that leads us to choose a different path,  when i compromised my integrity and lost passion in my job, when i was  really disturbed and anxious of the future. As our pastor, they advised us to get a US visa and to try our luck here. When it was granted, she decided to travel with us.

And so on April 27, 2004, we were together for 48 hours from Cagayan de Oro to Chicago. We stayed in our CFC brethren’s house and for the 10 days we stayed there, i shared the bed with her, my husband slept in the couch. i spent my first days in America with her. We parted ways when we decided to go to New York while she went to her sister in Texas. That was the last time we saw each other.

The news of her death really saddened me. The pain was like the one i experienced when my father died last February without seeing him. I never thought we will never see each other again. In fact, last month i heard that they transferred to Xavier Estates which is adjacent to Camella Homes where our house is located. I was happy then knowing that we are now neighbors and we can easily visit them or they to us.

To Anne, I know you’re in good hands with our Lord. May you rest in peace.

To Dante and Tony Dan, our  condolence. Our  hearts and prayers are with you.

I proclaim that i’m happy. But when i evaluated myself against the 100 secrets of happy people, it was disclosed that there are 10 factors that make me unhappy.

#10: Limit yourself to thinking about one subject as you lie down to sleep -  The fact is before i slept, my mind is filled with many concerns, some valid others not.

#14: Share with others how important they are to you. -  I lost contact with some of my relatives and friends. It makes me sad that i have not greeted them on their birthday or console them on their misfortunes. I really have to work hard to improve on this area of my unhappiness.

#30: Volunteer – How can i volunteer to serve in my present condition?  I don’t want to join in a community where i am a burden not a blessing that’s why i detach myself from community life and so voluntarism is not part of my life right now.

#31 If you can’t reach your goals, your goals will hurt you. Sometimes. not attaining my goals dis-appoint me. I think i have to re-set my goals and if needed,  to change my priorities

#43 Keep your family close – I haven’t seen my children, my parents and my siblings for the last 3 years. I only communicated through emails and telephones. My family is still close though not physically but it is not ideal at the moment.

#54 Get a good night sleep – Usually, i sleep  for 5-6 hours only because i am spending so much time on the internet. I’ll try to curb this habit from now on so it won’t add to my unhappiness

#55 Buy what you like. I’m used to deny myself especially buying things that i like. My children’s need are always the priority and sometimes this make me unhappy. Also, i can’t buy anything even if i can afford because i have no place for storage.  It’s really very frustrating.

#60 Join a group  – I am socially isolated at the moment and i did not join any group here. I am only connected via on-line and i think this is the best that i can do for the meantime

#65 Help the next person who needs some minor assistance – which at the moment i can’t. I can give help financially but not my presence.

#69 Go visit your neighbor – Sad to say, i have no neighbor except some friends which i occassionally visit during my day-off.

It’s a pathetic life but  i try to look at the 90% of the things that gives me happiness. It’s important to look at the blessings and enjoy the life that i have today.

Each of the 100 secrets presented is based on the research conclusions of scientists studying happiness and life satisfaction. The entries are based on a meta-analysis of research on happiness, which means that each conclusion is derived from the work of multiple researchers studying the topic. The book is compiled by David Niven Ph. D. and i would like to share this information to everyone.

1. Your life has purpose and meaning
2. Use a Strategy for happiness
3. You don’t have to win every time
4. Your goals should be aligned with one another
5. Choose your comparisons wisely
6. Cultivate friendships
7. Turn -off the TV
8. Accept yourself – unconditionally
9. Remember where you came from
10. Limit yourself to thinking about one subject as you lie down to sleep
11. Friendship beats money
12. Have realistic expectations
13. Be open to new ideas
14. Share with others how important they are to you
15. If you’re not sure guess positively
16. Believe in yourself
17. Don’t believe in yourself too much
18. Don’t face your problems alone
19. Age is not to be feared
20. Develop a household routine
21. Don’t be over-protective
22. Pay Attention. You may have what you want
23. Don’t let your religious beliefs fade
24. Do what you say you’re going to do
25. Don’t be aggressive with your friends and family
26. Root for the Home Team
27. Don’t confuse stuff with success
28. Every relationship is different
29. Don’t think ‘What If”
30. Volunteer
31. If you can’t reach your goals, your goals will hurt you.
32. Exercise
33. Little things have big meanings
34. It’s not what happened, Its how you think about what happened
35. Develop some common interest with love ones
36. Laugh
37. Don’t let your entire life hinge on one element
38. Share of yourself
39. Busy is better than bored
40. Satisfaction is relative
41. Learn to use a computer
42. Try to think less about the people and things that bother you
43. Keep your family close
44. Eat some fruit everyday
45. Enjoy what you have
46. Think in concrete terms
47. Be socially supportive
48. Don’t blame yourself
49. Be a peacemaker
50. Cherish animals
51. Make your work a calling
52. Never trade your morals for your goals
53. Don’t pretend to ignore things your loved ones do that bother you
54. Get a good night’s sleep
55. Buy what you like
56. Accomplish something every day
57. Be flexible
58. Events are temporary
59. Be your own fan
60. Join a group
61. Be positive
62. There will be an end, but you can be prepared
63. How we see the world is more important than how the world is
64. Keep a pen and paper handy
65. Help the next person who needs some minor assistance
66. Take care not to harshly criticize family and friends
67. Some people like the big picture, and others like the details
68. Do things you are good at
69. Go visit your neighbor
70. Smile
71. Don’t accept television’s picture of the world
72. You always have a choice
73. Be agreeable
74. Don’t ignore one part of your life
75. Listen to music
76. Let your goals guide you
77. Use your job positively
78. Don’t forget to have fun
79. Believe in ultimate justice
80. Reminisce
81. Be conscientious
82. Don’t dwell on un-winnable conflicts
83. Enjoy the ordinary
84. Focus not on the world’s tragedies  but on the world’s hope
85. Get a hobby
86. Envying other people’s relationship is pointless
87. Give yourself time to adapt to change
88. Focus on what really matters to you
89. Realize that complete satisfaction does not exist
90. Surround yourself with pleasant aromas
91. Don’t let others set your goals
92. You are a person, not a stereotype
93. Know what makes you happy and sad
94. Keep reading
95. We  must feel needed
96. Say “So what?”
97. Have a purpose
98. You have not finished the best part of your life
99. Money does not buy happiness
100. What does it all mean? You decide

I evaluated myself against the 100 secrets and found out that i actually practiced and/or embraced the 90 of them which confirm  that indeed i’m happy. I would really like to share the details but it’s an entire book and i don’t think it’s possible. At any rate, each secret is written in language that we can understand so make the most out of this information if you want to gauge how happy you are.

This is the title of the spiritual biography of Sidney Poitier- the first African-American who won an “oscar” in 1964.

He has a very humble beginning. Born in a small island in the Bahamas with little education, he came to America to find a better life. He overcame the racial discrimination that was so prevalent in the 1940s and ended up as a high-caliber Hollywood actor. He did it on his own terms.

The most important measure he gauged himself is on being a father. He has 6 kids, all girls. His father who was poor and uneducated taught him that the best measure of a man is on how well he provide for his children. He did not have comfortable life when he was under his father’s care but he witnessed how his father did everything he  could to support them.

His dilemna came when he became rich. How much will he give to his children? Is giving more better? He noticed that prosperity brings boredom and breds instant gratification. There is no joy in little things when you have money to buy what you want. He decided to stick to his value that giving less is better. By not giving them over-abundance, children see the bonds that connect them to other people especially those who are not lucky and live in poverty. Children learn responsibility and discipline through meaningful work. Children need a sense of pulling their own weight, of contributing to the family and have some sense of family’s interdependence. He said that the values developed within a family that operates on this principle can be extended to society.

It really takes great courage for anyone to raise children properly. I admired people who have done it.

I don’t consider myself a great parent but i tried hard to be good. I’ts only my children who can tell if i measure to the standard of a good parent (especially a mother) or not. Just last month, my eldest daughter who is already working volunteered to pay the water bill. She said it’s the only thing she can afford for the moment while her salary is still small. I did not tell her to pay for it so i was very happy for her action. I think she develop a sense of responsibility to share expenses at home. And for me, it’s a good sign that she is being raised well.

I just finished reading “The Innocent Man” , the first non-fiction novel by my favorite author John Grisham.

It is a story of a white man wrongly convicted of rape and murder and was sent to death row.  The author narrated how an injustice happened in a small town in Oklahoma. As he told how the trial was conducted unfairly and wrongly, i was reminded of the justice system in my country where many poor people are found guilty while the privilege people escape justice.

I thought injustice will not happen in this country but it did. The judge who declared a stay  of execution 5 days before   the schedule  and decided for a re-trial said: “God help us, if ever in this great country we turn our heads while people who have not had fair trials are executed”.  It turned out that the convicted rapist and murderer was innocent.

The life of the hero is very colorful, it’s like a work of fiction but it’s not.

Reading this book confirmed my conviction against death penalty. I firmly believe that criminals are not born but rather influenced by environment and so they have to be given a chance to reform and seek meaning of their life and to finally find the Lord.

Kudos to John Grisham for a well written book. I cried at the end.

Aside from our basic needs of food, clothing, shelter and education, there are three things we desire in our hearts: acknowledgement, acceptance and understanding.

Acknowledgement is our great motivator to perform better ,   achieve more and develop self-esteem. Acceptance is an innate psychological and social demand and give us  a sense of belonging while understanding our feelings and emotions are what we need to remain sane and develop a sense of security.

We gave these three things to our children when they were young and were growing up. Aside from their birthdays, we always celebrated whatever awards they got, be a ribbon, a medal,  or winning in a contest. I think being acknowledged in everything they do drives my children to perform better in school and in other activities. All of them graduated with high honors in elementary and high school and were able to study in best universities. We also accept their uniqueness. My eldest daughter Kizzy has a distinct personality and is so different from Cheenee, my middle child. The youngest Yayam  also develops her own personality, quiet similar  but not the same. I don’t make comparison especially when they’re listening. Maybe, that’s why they develop a persona so unique from each other and belief in their capabilities. I also tried to understand them, their feelings, dreams and aspirations.

Recently, i have some problems in accepting and understanding them. I tried to influence them to take up courses they don’t like. I also tried to interfere with their plans and i feel they don’t like my intervention.

Today, I made a resolution that i’ll try my best to give them these three things that they need most in order to succeed. Kizzzy would like to be a filmmaker so i’ll accept it. Cheenee would like to serve humanities through the United Nations while Yayam wants to build a carreer in publishing or visual merchandising. What i’ll do from now on is to bless them, pray for them and entrust them to the Lord.

God bless you my children

This is title of the last chapter from the book ” Women and Money” by Suze Orman.

What’s in a name anyway? According to Suze, saying our name is a celebration when we are proud of it, when we take credit for who we are, in what we believe, in what we achieved and what we have to achieve.

I was named Susan Baculio Paculba. My mother got my name from a popular movie actress at the time i was born. When i was in Grade 1, i added “a” in my first name for 2 reasons; because most of my classmates’ name ends with a vowel and because i was afraid of ridicule for i was not  beautiful as my namesake is. So in my hometown i was known as Susana, “Sana’” for short. Before i took the board exam, we had to submit a birth certificate and that was the time i learned that my name is Susan. After that i used my true name thus in my workplace i was called as such.

Back then, i had also another issue with my name. When i was in college, there was a professor who always teased my family name. He called me Susana Shock (Paculba means shock, he said). Of course, i laughed with his joke but from that time, i promised to myself that i’ll marry someday to change my family name. And it became my basis for not befriending a guy whose family name sounds ridiculous. Fortunately, the man i fall in love and marry has a nice-sounding Japanese name although he’s a Boholano. Thus, my new name Susan P. Otarra, isn’t it nice?

Kizzy, the nickname of my eldest daughter came from a heroine of the novel ” Roots” by Alex Healy which i was reading while pregnant with her. I was so fascinated by the story that i decided to name my child after her. We wanted a longer name so we searched and came up with Kathryn Zue (KZ for short). My second dughter got her name from the name of our parish Mt. Carmel. We added “a” so that it will sound good with Sue. Her name is Carmela Sue. The youngest got her name from my favorite saint Therese but we make it Theresa so it will jibe with Sue.  I  thought i might die after giving birth (that’s what doctors said), so i attached my nickname “Sue” to all their names so they’ll always remember me if ever. We’re also devoted Catholics so we added Maria in their names and consecrated them to the Blessed Virgin hoping that they’ll emulate her holiness and devotion to her son Jesus. My husband insisted to use the hebrew word Meriam instead of Maria for our youngest daughter. Thus her complete name is Meriam Theresa Sue P. Otarra.

I think my children are happy with their names (to be validated) except for  my youngest who used to write her name as Mers Thers Otars when she was in kindergarten. Maybe, she found her name too long.  We hope our children will be proud of their name and their heritage.

There comes a time in the future when what matters most is our name, not on what we have or what we have done. As Suze Orman says, “It is not until you can say your name with pride, incredible pride for who you are and all that your name represents, that you will even be the powerful woman I want you to be. I want you to understand that simply saying your name is an act of power.”

Watashi wa Susan Otarra desu in other words my name is Susan Otarra.

Note: Suze revealed in the last chapter that her real name is Susan.

In the 8 facts about you, you must share 8 things that your readers don’t know about you. Then at the end you tag 8 other bloggers to keep the fun going.

* Each blogger must post these rules first.
* Each blogger starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
* Bloggers that are tagged need to write on their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
* At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
* Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

1. I  am addicted to Oreo cookies and my day is not complete without it.

2. I hate horror movies. It will disturb my peace.

3. When I was  second year high school, i won a Regional Contest in Mathematics but i was not there during the awarding. I was in the theather watching Nora Aunor movie.

4. I really enjoyed watching Korean tele-novelas. I played the dvd from morning till midnight or until the series ends.

5. I don’t have a bed. I slept in the floor.

6. I am an avid fan of Julia Stiles. She’s not realy that popular but she’s an authentic Hollywood working actress. I watched her movies and i’m collecting  all the dvd’s. My daughter Yayam looks like her.

7. I fall into a man-made hole when i was in 4th yr college.

8. I am afraid of worms.

I’m tagging…

Yayam, Kizzy, Mariss, Mariet, Linda, Joy, Papa and Eileen 

There’s always a saying that  life gives us the test first, the lessons later.  By the time, i was in my middle forties, i had experienced so many tests and survived them all. I’d taken risks,  the most of which was marriage and having children. But to really be what I want to be, I have to take even more. I have to embrace risk. The greatest risk I took was when  i decided together with my husband to retire from our stable jobs, leave our children in the Philippines and stayed here. At first, my heart  was weary and my thoughts full of “what ifs”. What if my children can’t survive without me?, what if we can”t adjust the life and weather here? what if i can’t find a job? what if we’ll be forced to go home? and many more. But risk is a funny thing. Each time you risk, it becomes easier to do. That’s because each time you go for it, it further reinforces your self-esteem and offers concrete evidence that you can indeed succeed.

Right now, our lives are at risks. My children are living their lives without parents. My husband’s job is quite risky for he works alone at night. My job is risky too because my 92 years old employer might  not wake up tomorrow. But we’re living one day at a time. I enjoined my family to believe in God’s promise in Psalm 23:6 ” Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever“. There is no turning back. We have to embrace risk knowing and believing in our hearts that risks allow us to become what we were meant to be.

Only the future will tell.