Tone your tummy

Freedom as the second commandment of marriage from the book ‘Why marriage? by Dr. S.L. Katzoff.

Freedom is essential to the development of real manhood and womanhood. Nothing has ever been accomplished by those in chains or in slavery – including matrimonial slavery. Husbands and wives should learn that they hold no permanent mortgage over each other’s hearts merely because they are possessors of a marriage certificate. The marriage certificate in itself is no absolute guarantee of possession, or that he is hers forever. That husbands and wives have not understood the wisdom of freedom for each other and has brought about an inconceivable amout of misunderstanding, humiliation and suffering. The intelligent person does not boss the mate around as though  he/she were a child. Husbands and wives should not govern each other tastes and opinions. They should know that if one deprives the other of freedom, the other will feel that matrimony has secured him behind lock doors and that the other holds the key. If one considers the other acceptable as a lover or mate for life, then surely he is worthy to be trusted without reservation.

If a wive or a husband believes that the mate cannot be trusted, what right does he/she have to marry? How can they assert that they love each other truly if they do not trust each other? Does not love imply faith?

This comes under the question of freedom: to what extent are married couples bound within these bonds of their own choosing. Freedom should be given cheerfully both in big and small matters. Small matters frequently cause the most friction, leading the fires of dissention and even hatred such as arrangement of the furniture, choice of friends, hobbies, cleanliness matters, and others.

Autocratically denying the right to go somewhere or to do things that interest the mate will only bring about contrariness and revolt. If a wife or a husband must express disapproval, why not do so in the form of a gentle request or question, tempered with interest and politeness? The very essence of co-operation, as with love is freedom. This freedom begets honor–and the honor system should exist between husband and wife. They should understand each other’s individuality, peculiarities and habits, and take consideration their training and environment. They should keep uppermost in their minds that if they want to hold each other’s love and affection and loyalty in the true and beautiful sense of the term, they must, among other things, first: Love each other; second: Grant each other freeedom.

What’s God says about freedom? In Galatians 5:13 : “For you are  called for freedom, brothers. But  do not use this freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, rather serve one another through love”. Further, in Galatians 5:19 says ” Now the works of the flesh are obvious: immorality, impurity, licentiousness, idolatry, sorcery, hatred, rivalry, jealousy, outburst of fury, acts of selfishness, dissertions, fractions, occassions of envy, drinking bouts, orgies and the like.

The author  failed to describe the extend of the exercise of freedom but the bible did.

I enjoy freedom in my own marriage. Early on our marriage, we agreed to respect each other’s individuality and preferences. It is only when major decision is done that my husband’s will can prevail. I maintain my identity, my friends, my hobbies and my interests and at the same time learn new things and gained wisdom on how to be a christian wife, a mother and a woman for others.
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The first commandment of marriage from the book  “Why Marriage?”  by Dr. S.L. Katzoff.

Love — real, enduring love–is a composite of so many things, so many qualities. Just what are these qualities, what chemical and psychological elements exist in the individuals to make them attractive and magnetic to each other, no human being can tell.Love is the essential ingredient, the cohesive power, which binds humanity into a united fraternity, gradually producing higher planes of evolution.

The author had said much about love but what does God says? In 2 Corinthians 13:4-8 : “Love is patient; love is kind. It is not jealous, is not pompous and is not inflated. It is not rude. It does not seek its own interest. It is not quick-tempered. It does not brood over injury. it does not rejoice over wrong-doing but rejoices with the truth. it bears all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.”If love is like this, then who among the sensible and rational human being can deny it?  But it need a decision to embrace it.

I decided to embrace LOVE

My husband got a copy of an old book written by S.L. Katzoff, M.D. LL.B with this title. His book is secular and was written on the context  of Domestic Psychology, the author being a practicing Psychologist himself. At the time he wrote it, he was the Medical Director of the San Francisco Institute of Domestic Relations. It was published for almost 80 years ago when divorce rate in America was 1 in 6 marriages.

It was sad to note that divorce rate is now 3 in 5 marriages as discussed in Todays show recently. For sure, the new generations has not read this book that’s why i would like to take time to share what he said.

Why marriage? According to him, because it is the only continuously flexible and adjustable method or plan and offers the greatest opportunity for wholesome biological and emotional expression. It tend towards the evolvement of the highest impulses of our nature. It develops ethical stamina that makes for the humanizing and the civilizing of civilization. It is the happiest relation in which one can enter.

His ten commandments of marriage:

1. LOVE “ Oh, how beautiful is Love! Even thou that sneerest and laughtest in cold indifference or scorn if others are near thee–thou too must acknowledge its truth when thou art alone, and confess that a foolish world is prone to laugh in public at what in private it reveres as one of the highest impulses of our nature” –Longfellow.

2. FREEDOM “Better to dwell in Freedom’s hall, With a cold damp floor and mouldering wall, Than bow the head and bend the knee In the proudest palace of slavery”– Moore.

3. ENDEARMENT  “Caresses, expressions of one sort or another, are necessary to the life of affections as leaves are to the tree. If they are wholly restrained, love will die at the roots” — Hawthorne.

4. CONVERSATION  “ A dearth of words a woman need not fear, But ’tis a task indeed to learn to hear; In that the skill of conversation lies; That shows or makes you both polite and wise” –Young.

5. PATIENCE  “ Patience ornaments the woman and proves the man”– Tertlullian.

6. FOOD “ All human history attests; That happiness for man — the hunger sinner since Eve ate apples, much depends on dinner” — Byron.

7. APPEARANCE  “She’s adorned amply, that in her husband’s eyes looks lovely– The truest mirror than an honest wife can see her beauty in “– Tobin.

8. SEXOLOGY  “It is not the absence, but the mastery, of our passsions which affords happiness” –Mme. De Maintenon.

9. HOME ” He is happiest, be he king or peasant, who finds peace in his home”–Goethe.

10. HEALTH ” He who has health has hope, and he who has hope has everything”– Arabian Proverb.

I have read so many books about marriage and attended many seminars on the subject but his book covered more subject than the others except that it lacked God’s  and Christian’s perspectives. I think all the other concepts and principles about marriage got a piece from what he said in this book. In my succeeding posts, i’ll discuss and share each of the ten commandments of marriage.

Today, i decided to start my blog. I feel that i have to connect to people like i was before.  Just a little information for those who don’t know me,  i  was connected with a government office for 22 years in my home country where i worked with the private sector. I used to do inspection, assessment and training  to our clients. I miss the time i had with them. As a couple, me and my husband were also very active in our catholic community and we used to pastor couples and gave them advises on how to make their marriage work. We left three children in the Philippines when we came to the USA to find greener pastures. So, the topics of my blogs would be about relationships, parenting, faith and my expertise which are quality assurance and productivity.

To start with, i would  like to share this nine (9) ways to make your marriage exciting. ( Sorry, i forgot the author’s name).This was a topic on Today’s show here in New York City two months ago.

1.  Take time together. This is the most important for the relationship cannot flourish if couples don’t see each other. I live separately. I work as a full-time caregiver 24/7 in NY while my husband works in New Jersey but we see each other 2x a week for he comes in my workplace on Saturdays and Mondays. We always ensure to make these two days very special.

2. Take time apart. Each one needs space to do things of her own. I’m very comfortable when my husband is not with me for the rest of the week. I have more time for myself and to do my reading, writing, praying, work-out, talk with friends and many more. I think my husband also likes our arrangement because he’s not complaining and he seems to be “happy” with the way we are.

3. Take care of yourself.  The author of the book said that this is the area mostly neglected by both parties. I’ve been married for 22 years but i’m proud to say, i still maintain my figure when i was single. I weight 112 lbs on my 5″ frame. I do a one-hour exercise daily and i’m very particular on my food intake.  My husband also maintains his bachelor look and he don’t seem to age since the day we married.

4. Ctiticize gently. Be prudent in the use of words when pointing out some negative traits of our spouse. Never, never hit the other’s ego nor his upbringing when criticizing. For the years we married, we never use words that hurts. But  this area needs more study and practice. So do some research.

5. Communication is two-ways. There is a time to talk and a time to listen. When our husband is angry or upset, let him talk and we have to listen but husbands, beware, there is also time for the wife to talk and you’ll listen. This way, any problem can be worked out before it is blown out of proportion.

6. Courting and romance. The author said we have to maintain the excitement of courtship and romance. My husband don’t give me flowers except on valentine’s day ( financially, we can’t afford it), but he do a lot of sweet talks.  It seems corny but i listen and i tried to be romantic too. We go on dates once a month and on our wedding anniversary. We agreed to watch romantic movies together to enhance our relationship. We also make it a habit to recall our pre-marriage days and it’s really exciting. Try it.

7. Terms of Endearment. We should call our spouse a different name. For us, we use the word  ” Langa”. This is our own dialect of care or love. Never call your spouse ‘Papa” or “Mama” coz it’s not appropriate especially when we grow and look older than the other.

8. Review and renew your commitment. We have to remember the promise we made ” to love till death do us part”. It’s good to attend weddings and annversaries. If possible, attend a christian community that gives importance to marriage like our own community, the Couples for Christ. For information, pls. log on to http://www.cfcglobal.org.

9. Always kiss goodnight. The old adage is still true, not to let the sunshine set without kissing your spouse, which means all problems must be settled by end of the day. On our present situation, we cannot kiss goodnight because we’re not  together every night but we do it by phone. Honestly, i cannot sleep until  my husband is home and said his goodnight.

Hope what i share will help your relationship with your spouse. More next time. Good night.