Tone your tummy

I read from Inquirer.net two weeks ago regarding the recent survey conducted by the National Statistics Coordinating Board (NSCB) on what makes the Filipinos happy.

According to the survey, the factors are the following: family life – 88.5%; friends – 83.6%; religion -79.8%; love life – 79.4%; sex life -  72.6% and financial security – 68.8%. The survey shows that we are a family-oriented and friends-loving people. Unlike in America  where financial security is the no. 1 source of happiness, for us, it’s the least of all which means that we are happy despite financial difficulties. Sex life is also a source of happiness in America but for us, it’s not reallly that important compared to religion.

In terms of World Happiness Index (WHI), we are in the median compared to other countries. Our index is 6.4. The other poor country India is 6.2. Religious countries like Poland is 6.0 and South Korea is 5.8. The country with the highest WHI is Denmark at 8.2

Isn’t these interesting?

There’s always a saying that  life gives us the test first, the lessons later.  By the time, i was in my middle forties, i had experienced so many tests and survived them all. I’d taken risks,  the most of which was marriage and having children. But to really be what I want to be, I have to take even more. I have to embrace risk. The greatest risk I took was when  i decided together with my husband to retire from our stable jobs, leave our children in the Philippines and stayed here. At first, my heart  was weary and my thoughts full of “what ifs”. What if my children can’t survive without me?, what if we can”t adjust the life and weather here? what if i can’t find a job? what if we’ll be forced to go home? and many more. But risk is a funny thing. Each time you risk, it becomes easier to do. That’s because each time you go for it, it further reinforces your self-esteem and offers concrete evidence that you can indeed succeed.

Right now, our lives are at risks. My children are living their lives without parents. My husband’s job is quite risky for he works alone at night. My job is risky too because my 92 years old employer might  not wake up tomorrow. But we’re living one day at a time. I enjoined my family to believe in God’s promise in Psalm 23:6 ” Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever“. There is no turning back. We have to embrace risk knowing and believing in our hearts that risks allow us to become what we were meant to be.

Only the future will tell.

I got this thoughts from an email forwarded by a friend.  It’s really significant and so want to share it with you.

WHAT WILL MATTER
- by Michael Josephson

Ready or not, some day it will all come to an end.
There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours or
days.
All the things you collected, whether treasured or
forgotten, will pass to someone else.
Your wealth, fame and temporal power will shrivel to
irrelevance.
It will not matter what you owned or what you were
owed.
Your grudges, resentments, frustrations and jealousies
will finally disappear.
So too, your hopes, ambitions, plans and to-do lists
will expire.
The wins and losses that once seemed so important will
fade away.
It won’t matter where you came from or what side of
the tracks you lived on at the end.
It won’t matter whether you were beautiful or
brilliant.
Even your gender and skin color will be irrelevant.
So what will matter? How will the value of your days
be measured?
What will matter is not what you bought, but what you
built; not what you got, but what you gave.
What will matter is not your success, but your
significance.
What will matter is not what you learned, but what you
taught.
What will matter is every act of integrity,
compassion, courage or sacrifice that enriched,
empowered or encouraged others to emulate your
example.
What will matter is not your competence, but your
character.
What will matter is not how many people you knew, but
how many will feel a lasting loss when you’re gone.
What will matter is not your memories, but the
memories that live in those who loved you.
What will matter is how long you will be remembered,
by whom and for what.
Living a life that matters doesn’t happen by accident.
It’s not a matter of circumstance but of choice.
Choose to live a life that matters.

I decided to love a life that really matters.

I passed many stages of my life where i tried to find myself. It was difficult for me to establish my true identity because i was the 4th of 6 children hence a middle child. I had 2 elder brothers and an elder sister which is older by 6 years. By the time i was in Grade 1, my sister is already in high school and already had a distinct personality. I can’t imitate my elder brother who is 1 year older than me because i was feminine even at a young age. So it imperative that i have to find my own.

Later in life – after college, i realized i am different from my siblings. I  always say i speak like my mother (who is Laguindinganon) but my disposition and character are that of my father. In my familty, i was the one who always serve my siblings, who helps my parents earn money that until now, my role remains the same. I’m not resenting but i long  for a different role.

My children have the same predicaments now. They are all girls and they are trying to develop distinct personalities. Sometimes, i find it difficult to let them what they want to be. But i’ll try even if it hurts.

According to Dr. Scklare, finding yourself without hurting the people you love is not always possible.  If you have a good foundation with those people and a history of love and communication, this becomes a whole lot easier because finding yourself is developmental in nature and occurs over time.  The potential for hurt is greatly diminished if we are honest and open communication is in place.  After all, these people you love are an integral part of your past, and as a result, they have already influenced the intimate fabric that eventually creates your identity. 

Remembering where we came from is one of the 100 secrets of happy people as revealed by some studies.

I remember writing about my hometown and the life i had while living there.

“My hometown is a small municipality, 29 kms west of the capital city Cagayan de Oro in the province of  Misamis Oriental, one of the 72 provinces of the Philippine archipelago, a country in the Far-East. I really don’t know how it got it’s name but since it became a municipality in1964, it was already named “LAGUINDINGAN”. I heard, it’s origin is from a kind of plant that grows abundantly before it became a town. Or was it from from spring which was called “DALIGDIGAN’?. It is located on the hill, maybe 3000 feet above sea level. It’s well-known for tobacco farming,and the agriculture is concentrated on this crop with variation of corn and peanuts during off-season.  Coconut  and  bananas (tundan candaba and sab-a) are available all year round that’s why i always long to eat “maruya” and boiled bananas with “bagoong”, which we considered our staple food aside from corn. Fruits like “seneguelas, a”tis” and star-apples are also considered main crops.

In my hometown,  people  live in “cultural authenticity” where there is no electricity and inside plumbing. Water is scarce and it is either taken from the well or from the natural spring located within the municipality.

While i was growing up, boredom was never an issue. I was always stimulated and i knew how i was going through the day. As a kid, (before i went to school at age 7) i was  pre-occupied with playing with my siblings and my friends in the neighborhood from morning ’till  sundown. There was no television nor video games. We played with rubber bands, marbles which more often we got from the seeds of “buri trees, hide and seek, jackstones, shatom, etc. We also had games using our slippers where we drew some figures in the ground. There were still lot of games we played but i can’t remember their names or titles. That time of my life was really fun where you don’t have to think about what to eat nor what your future will be. We were poor but poverty then was different from poverty in modern places. It wasn’t that depressing nor soul-destroying. There was no comparison with how people live in the cities or in other countries. In other words, we were contented on what we had back then.

We had the first taste of electricity in 1968 and i was in Grade 3 then. The main office of the electric company was built in our town and they provided free water to residents but the faucet is located adjacent to their building, maybe about 1 mile from our house. If the well broke up, we went there to fetch water, but it required a mode of transportation to bring the water in pails. Out of need, a “kariton” or a very small car, with 4 wheels which can be pushed to move was an item in almost all households.  After school,  me and my brother with the rest of our neighbor’s kids raced our “kariton”  in getting  the most-wanted commodity. At night when  there is no home-work, we went to our neighbor who had TV and watched at 10 cents/view. I think we had our first TV after Manoy Bebot got a job and  i also bought a refrigerator during my first year at DTI.”

Living this kind of life taught me a lot and gave me a high instinct for survival. It cultivated in me the values of prayer, hard-work, perseverance and contentment.  I never blame my parents for being that way. In fact, until now, i continued to share my blessings to them.  I know they tried their best to be good parents and i thanked them for raising me. Moreover, I  have no resentments  nor bittered  for those experiences. They were part of me and they helped me for what i am today.

With all these memories stored in my brain, i can’t help but be grateful of the life i have today. Who would ever think that i can visit 3 foreign countries?. Who would ever dream that my poor health condition will be made well here in New York City?  With all these blessings, happiness is my only option

In studies of students, greater ethnic identity is associated with 10% greater life satisfaction. (Neto 1995)

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In my previous blog entry, i mentioned that reading will keep my mind active and it makes me busy rather than bored – what with the sedentary life i’m into. I also learned that continuous reading is one of the secrets of happy people. If we keep on reading  books, we benefit from what we learn and we are also entertained. In addition, we get to exercise our brain and there is satisfaction knowing that we spend our time wisely.

From the study conducted by Scope (1999), says that reading engages the mind, exercise our memory and imagination and can contribute to happiness in ways similar to active positive thinking. Regular readers are about 8% more likely to express daily satisfaction.

One of the things i enjoyed living in this country is the availability and affordability of books. I applied for membership in 2 big bookstore chains and i got a chance to buy books on a bargain. I am also a member of Doubleday Bookclub which is one of the biggest online publishing store and members can buy books on a discounted price. I also buy books from thrift stores at only  99 cents. In many instances, i also found books thrown at the dumpsites. Isn’t it great?

When i was in my country, i really can’t afford to buy books so my thirst for reading is not  consumated. But right now, i have read and has an inventory of good and best-selling books written by best authors. My favorite author is John Grisham. He’s the only author who has a best-selling book straight for 7 years. I already ordered a copy of his latest book which will be available on September 24. I also like to read biographies of important people. And so far, have read many of them.

For a glimpse of my bookshelve, pls. visit my account at http://www.shelfari.com. This is the website to visit  for those who love to read.

I know that listening to music can soften our hearts, ease our minds and sooth the souls. Music also communicates to us on many different levels and our favorite music tends to transport our minds to its favorite place.

Recently, i read a result of the study done by Hakanen (1995) that says ” A positive effect on mood was found for  92% of individuals when they listened to music of their choice. Excitement and happiness were typical reactions to the music”. Scientists have found that music stimulates our brain. Actual research suggests music has postive effects for any age. Music excites our mind, whether we are forty one, or a hundred and one (Niven 2000)

I discovered that Cablevision provided at least 10 channels for music. In our own TV set, it is from 820-830. Different type of music is played in different chanel and are  categorized as Contemporary Pop, Jazz, Opera, Ligh Classic, Gospel, Easy Listening, etc.  My favorite channel is 828 where nostalgic music are played. Usually i tuned in to this channel before i go to bed and after waking up.

My type of music did not change over the years. My 10 most favorite are:

1. Daniel by Elton John - 

2. Yesterday by the Beatles

3. Yesterday Once More by The Carpenters

4. The Long and Winding Road by The Beatles

5. The Way We Were by Barbara Streisand

6. Cherish by John Fox

7. You’ve Got a Friend

8. Save Your Kisses For Me

9. Love Me Tender by Elvis Presly

10. I Just Called to Say “I Love you”

Everyday, we meet 4 kinds of people; those we like and  those we don’t , those who like us and those who don’t.  Our relationship to each one is different and dependent on what kind of vibration we developed upon meeting them.

I am always dis-appointed with my strained relations with a friend or a loved one. Recently i just realized  that each relationship is unique. I though otherwise that i am a pre-judiced person and i lack the ability to be a good friend to everyone.

Understanding  that every relationship is different will make us happy. We need to accept that our getting along with most but not all of our loved ones or  friends is not a flaw but a reality. The university researchers explain that ” most satisfied people do not have happy relationships with everyone. They appreciate their happy relationships and accept the imperfect ones. As the old saying goes ” we cannot please everyone”. People have the capacity to create happiness from the relationships available to them and do not need all their relationships to fit an ideal image. (Takahashi, Tamura and Tokoro 1997)

In my case, i have many friends but i only have few close friends- those that i can relate very well. Since i accept that not everyone we met will be close to us gave me peace and contentment.  Also, i am very much assured of the friendship that my husband and my children provides.

My motto is “Make friends not enemies”.  And i want to make this a reality.

 Believe in Yourself and Don’t believe in yourself too much are both secrets of happy people.

If we don’t beieve in ourself, we can accomplish nothing and we’ll not be able to function.  The only way to do anything is the belief that we can do it.

However, believing in ourself too much may also lead us to believe that we’ll never make a mistake. We are making ourselves dis-agreeable with others and cannot be liked or trusted. This will make us unhappy.

So, our belief in ourself should be balanced by the fact that there are also people better than us and  can do better.

From Myers and Diener 1995, it says: Across all ages and all groups, a solid belief in one’s own abilities increase life satisfaction by about 30%, and makes us happier both in our home lives and in our work lives.

There was also a study on married couples that a  significant connection is found between rigidity in one’s partner and discord in relationship. Where one partner is convinced he or she is correct and therefore not open to suggestions, the length of time disagreements continue is about three times greater ( Botwin, Buss and Shakelford 1997).

I think these 2 secrets are also the key to my harmonious relationship with my husband for 23 years now.

I remember reading a book with this title written by Rick Warren. As per instruction, i read one chapter each day for 40 days but i can’t recall the title of the chapters, not even one. There was a part where reflection is needed then a question is being ask at the end of the reading.

Just last month, i got hold of a book written by David Niven, a well-known Psychologist here in the US that compiled a study made by Scientist on the 100 Secrets of Happy People and the number one of which is “Your Life has Purpose and Meaning”. Each of the 100 entries is based on the research conclusions of scientists studying happiness and life satisfaction. His book offers 100 simple pieces of advise and examples of how people find happiness and stay happy. It will help differentiate happy from the unhappy ones.

He said we’re not here just to fill space or to be a background character in someone’ else movie. Nothing would be the same if we did not exist. Every place we had been and everyone we have spoken to would be different without us. We’re all connected and we’re all affected by the decisions and even the existence of those around us.

Is my purpose clear to me? I think so. Even as a child, i had my purpose and i know i had to contribute to the survival of my family.While my older siblings are enjoying their teen-age life, i was busy looking for ways to earn money to help put food in our table. I had many small jobs which can be considered child labor but that was how i spent my free time while growing up. I still play with friends but i always had productive activities. I thought it was my responsibility to always give and provide. This thinking was instilled in me until now.

It pained me when there was a time in our married life that we can’t provide for the needs of our children. It became my catalyst to look for other opportunities aside from the job i was holding back then. When my second child wanted to study in Manila like her older sibling, it meant trouble for we could not afford to send  2 students in Manila. Our (my husband included) desire to support her dreams made us decide to try our luck in a foreign land under an unfavorable condition. I believe there is a purpose why i’m still here.

I also discovered another purpose – that is to teach and to influence others. Many of my friends in CFC community believed that i have this charism. And i would like to  nurture this. I consider my stay here as a temporary exile while still providing for my children’s needs but i know there will come a time that i can live my purpose of living. I’m looking forward to the day when i can use the talents God has given me to provide not only for my immediate family but also for others. My life would then become more meaningful and significant.